The distraction I feel within class is indescribable . Especially now when LQ is in China. Its like terribly awkward now in class when there's this empty seat next to me, no one talking in class, no one distracting me from thinking too much.. You might think that talking in class is actually a distraction from the lesson itself, but without talking, I find it even more difficult to concentrate. I get distracted so easily, I can't understand it myself. I can't believe there's such a coincidence. I wished I never found out. Now I can only wallow in pity in myself, trying to forget it all. I think I must be such a good actor. My poem today in Language Arts was a really brief one, I couldn't really think properly in the cold. Its just about how happiness is really a mask for our real inner feelings. How many times have you smiled just because you felt unhappy and really needed to calm yourself down? Many times you think you are an optimistic person, but really, life is quite fair in terms of emotional needs. When you are up, you have to go down one day. Being happy forever is not a reachable goal at all.. Its not that I am being pessimistic, but sometimes you really feel like closing yourself into a room which no one could enter and then sit in peace. But its not like its really going to happen. Even at home, your parents have to keys to your room, and if you sit in for too long, they will start to worry. So where can I go to find peace within myself? There's just a thin line between love and hate and you have crossed it Easily Throwing all the things you gave me Locking all my memories deep down But am I really forgetting? Am I ready to let go Washing my slate clean Purity But is it really so? I'm still waiting for you to come back But when will the day every come? OK, I think most probably you don't understand what i am talking about. But nowadays I am feeling really poetic. I really miss Claire. She has always been able to give me inspiration to write. When can I find another friend like her, who can understand you so easily, and she's so comfortable to talk to. =( Going back to DHS tomorrow most probably. CNY just doesn't have the same effect on me it used to have anymore. Now all I know about it is two days of doing nothing, probably watching TV and envying others who have relatives to visit and hongbaos to collect. But of course, that's only superficial. Don't you tend to feel insecure? Especially when its like when you come home, you don't really know who you can turn to when you are down and who you can talk to about your worries. I have never ever had a friend whom I can talk to about my crushes openly, my worries, and the times I feel happy or whatever. I doubt I will ever be able to find such a friend, and I'm not kidding. I'm already having second thoughts as to whether i should publish this post. I don't want people to come asking me if I'm alright, because no, I don't want to commit suicide or anything along that line, I'm just having doubts. Its so true that life has no purpose, but really you need to live through life to know your true purpose in it. ************************************ I shall try to blog about something happier. Just now, I was trying to find a nice notebook to transfer my poems into. You see, I promised Diane I will bring my poems for her to read tomorrow. And yes, I am having second thoughts about it now. But her poems are really good. But I guess I am not cut out to be a writer. In fact, I'm not cut out to be anything. From young I had the ambition to be a singer. I thin it started around P5 lah, but a friend was like laughing at me when i said that. And she was the same friend who scolded me "shut up" and I burst out crying. Remember? i blogged about it before. But you would think I hate her, but instead I love her as a friend alot, she is actually the one who helped me change as a person. However, we have lost contact. OMG, I almost lost this post. But then again, that might have been good. I could have cleaned the slate and start on something you would consider a proper post. And I digressed. I was searching for a note book. Recall? Ya, and I saw something I shouldn’t. ya, my sister’s diary. I think its sometime ago already, my sister read my diary which I tried my best to hide as secretly as I could, but she still read it. I was really really angry, and I cried. That was in P4 I think. So now, I took revenge and read. But instead of finding anything I could tease her about, I found that her entries are rather sweet. And she even drew a picture of herself and her boyfriend in it, and she plans to give it to him when he comes out of NS. I think she is really a changed person. From the time in secondary school to now when she is working, her temper has gone much much better. I can feel that she has matured. I wonder when I turn 21, I will be like that too? Minus the fact that I can watch R (A) shows lah. But anyway, I feel that being the youngest in the family is really a disadvantage. You tend to envy your older siblings that they get to do whatever they want to. Funnily enough, my eldest sister’s aspiration was to be a singer too, until she gave up. She sings considerably well, if she puts her heart into it. I better not comment on my own vocal skills… But anyway, have you ever experienced a time when you can’t seem to find a word to use, and you use another word, and someone misinterprets it? You know, during the VJC entrance test, I chose the topic which I did not understand at all, and wrote it. I felt that it would give me a better chance of development, as I would not care about the boundaries. You see, at that time I gave up hope of getting in, especially after Math. But apparently, I did well enough to get in. Which is still something I lament about. I mean, what would happen if I chose a topic I understood? Would I still have got in? But life has many contradictions, and once you’ve chosen a path, you just can’t turn back anymore. Have I metioned before that when I sing the national anthem, I tend to sing real loud? I mean, I don’t even realise it, and it comes out really loud. I guess its my natural instincts? People do some of these sometimes, like when you talk you sometimes just blurt out real loud, or when you sleep you tend to snore at times? (like Darren) I just had an inspiration for another poem, so I think I better go. No more mood for blogging anyway..

2/07/2005 05:37:00 pm;